Hell

is when the water is undrinkable. And that was most of human history.

I've been home for 24 hours and my parents are already older. All we talk about is political theology, mostly in terms of Ron Paul and creche scenes, because this is the only time all year my mom gets to say "creche." My dad watches a Christmas-decorator-to-the-stars on YouTube. "I walked in and Seal was singing Christmas carols to the kids. It was a special moment; I was afraid to interrupt. But I had to do my job." We saw a movie by rapist director Roman Polanski and I walked home with my dad, who the whole time read a book about how the Hebrew God is a dialogic God. Whoopi Goldberg just said to Piers Morgan, "Honey, have you seen Sister Act yet?" Did I mention the water here comes out of the filter ice-cold, so that when I try to chug it my brain freezes over?

Merry Christmas, Secular Nation; I wouldn't wish dehydration on anyone.