Top 10 failed work pick up lines

10. Hi! I would love to be a jello shot girl! I'm really fun and can sell ANYTHING!

9. I'm friendly, professional, and excellent at checking names off guest lists.

8. I'm 23, live near Union Square, and traffic in words, sex, and cash money.

7. I am highly organized and have excellent communication skills, as well as a taste for the exotic.

6. I have restaurant experience and a superior phone voice.

5. My knowledge of French will be especially useful for tourists who will be flooding your store as the dollar collapses.

4. I am also interested in doing jeans research.

3. I'm not intimidated at the prospect of hordes of frat boys.

2. I'm fascinated by the semiotics of fine dining.

1. My fridge looks like a garden.


But there's still hope; if Billy calls back, I'll be serving jello shots next weekend.

pharma-con

Indisposed by one illness, I troll the internet for information about various other things that are wrong with me. Why, even in LA, where il y a beaucoup de circulation, do my fingers turn bright white in the cold? The internet doesn't know, but recommends mittens, Viagra, or considering moving to a warmer climate.

My antibiotics cost $37 per pill, and they don't even get me high. Nothing's real in the modern age, except Mad Men, which isn't modern, or real. Next thing you know they'll farm Akon out to the computer.

truffaux

In the New Year I'm trying to be more reductive in my thinking; surely the year will only get older. For example, which is superior? "Truffle Hog: Keen sense of smell; Innate ability to sniff out truffles; Tendency to eat truffles once found. Truffle Dog: Keen sense of smell; Must be trained; Easier to control; may urinate on truffles." The female pig's natural affinity for truffles is, unsurprisingly, directly linked to her tendency to eat them upon discovery, because they smell like pheremones and she will confuse alimentary satiety with sexual satisfaction. So is truffle oil made from pig pheremones? Which is the original, and which the copy? What would Judith Butler say? The truffles respond synecdochally: "We shall by morning / Inherit the earth. / Our foot's in the door." Verily, such fungus may one day eat us.

My linguistic landscape is increasingly peopled by those syntactical leaps that approximate what grammarians might call anacoluthon, whatever that is. I feel, perhaps illogically, like a logical scandal. Having this irregular schedule was fun at first, but now it's getting ridiculous; my alarm clock is just for decoration.